My mum got into the habit of dragging me along to the movies as soon as I was old enough to appreciate all the films my Dad probably had no interest in seeing. I don’t remember most of them – and usually, at 13, I was the youngest in the cinema, ads for Andre Rieu and Il Divo box sets playing amongst trailers for Meryl Streep’s latest Oscar-ready transformation.
There’s only one film I can recall watching, to the point where I can remember exactly where I was in the cinema, sitting mid-way back, slightly off to the left, my mum on my right side. Atonement, directed by Joe Wright.
I was the same age as Saoirse Ronan, who played Young Briony, and as a keen drama kid can remember feeling a seething jealousy at her raw talent (even if I was more focused on James McAvoy’s beautiful face). Her performance is one I’ve never been able to shake, and it still awes me to this day. The determination in her gaze, the chilling moment when she asserts, “I saw him. I saw him with my own eyes”. How could such a small human have such a powerful, assured presence!?
The irony is, being a similar age to Briony, I also didn’t really understand everything I was seeing. The scene where Robbie writes to Cecilia “In my dream I lick your c*nt, your sweet wet c*nt” left me baffled, and I leant over to my mum to ask her what that meant. I think it was at this moment she began to reconsider bringing me along to an MA15+ rated film. The shot of the water gushing down the steps of the tube station – of Cecilia’s drowned body suspended in the flooded tunnel – gave me actual nightmares.
Atonement is the first movie I can remember that had me crying so hard I wished that the cinema waited a little longer before bringing the lights up. I watched it repeatedly throughout my teenage years (including at a James McAvoy marathon I had with my friend Rosie) whenever I wanted to feel a lot, and deeply.
Years later, at 18, I attended my VCA film school interview and sat across from a panel comprising of my future lecturers, sweating nervously in my tweed shorts and favourite vintage green jacket. I was so insecure about my taste in film, to the point where, when asked what my “guilty pleasure” film was, I answered with Atonement.
“I know it’s pretty melodramatic or whatever, but I must’ve watched it at least 20 times,” I word-vomited. One of the lecturers raised an eyebrow.
“Atonement? That’s hardly a guilty pleasure film!” She laughed.
Luckily I wasn’t quizzed any further, or asked why I liked the film so much, because I couldn’t answer. I just hadn’t ever thought about it in a critical way. In my head, I thought it mustn’t have been a very serious or well-respected film, because it was a film that I’d watched often as a teenager, and as a teenager I didn’t enjoy most serious or well-respected films. I’d never taken the time to acknowledge or appreciate the film’s craft, because I was so caught up in how it made me feel.
But can we talk about that Dunkirk scene!? The epic 5-minute-long unbroken take on the beach had me sobbing in my seat, but it’s not just the situation that’s sad – it’s the overwhelming, unwavering, voyeuristic shot choice that drifts away before weaving back to our characters, contributing to the sensation of helplessness, of having no escape. There’s the scene by the fountain, its sound design and cinematography leaving me breathless. Or the final scene where an older Briony (played by Vanessa Redgrave) finally addresses her mistakes, revealing the truth directly to camera, mirroring her direct-to-camera assertion from the first part of the film, which I mentioned earlier.
Even if my taste has changed (and I hope it always continues to change!) I still feel the same way about my favourite films today. It happens rarely, but if a film is good, I won’t be able to articulate why I liked it after the first viewing. Good movies engage me on a gut level to the point where I’ve got no time to be critical, because I’m too busy feeling emotions (or laughing until my ribs feel like bursting). Then, maybe, like with Atonement, I’ll re-watch them religiously to try and figure out how they work – the only other option is to refrain, and let them hold their magic forever.
Greta Nash
Greta Nash is an emerging filmmaker from Melbourne, Australia. In 2015 she graduated from the Victorian College of the Arts with a Bachelor of Film and Television.
In 2018, Greta wrote, directed and edited the winning Tropfest film Two Piece which was selected by a jury headed by Academy Award Winner Susan Sarandon. The film also won Best Actress and was nominated for Best Screenplay. The event was broadcast live across Australia on ABC Comedy and YouTube and made available to stream on ABC iView.
Her short film Locker Room premiered at the 2017 Melbourne International Film Festival, where she was also invited to take part in the prestigious Accelerator Lab for emerging Australian/New Zealand talent. It recently screened at the Academy Award Accredited Flickerfest 2018, where she was awarded the inaugural REBEL8 Award for Outstanding Emerging Female Director.
Her graduate film Karma Police won Best Narrative Film at the 2016 Willoughby Short Film Festival.